What Ducky Never Knew
by TheOverlookedFangirlingSwiftie
Summary: This is how Gibbs copes with Jenny's death. Basically everything he wished he had said to her before she died. Angst! It's titled What Ducky Never Knew, cause Gibbs thinks Ducky doesn't know about this.


**What Ducky Never Knew**

 **Gibbs POV:**

The day after my old partner died, after Ducky offered to let me see her body and I couldn't, I went to visit her. She was in Autopsy, in a body bag, laying on one of those metal slabs. The bag was zipped, thank god. I had gone home, earlier that day, and grabbed the 'Dear John' letter she left me on the airplane. Some of the lines still haunted me. They read: 'I don't know why, but you can't commit to this relationship, even in the simplest of ways. Remember when I told you I loved you. What'd you say in return? 'That'll be the day.' You never said it back. Why not?'

Then I realized she saw through me way before any of my ex-wives did. She was different from them, too. She was different from Diane, different from Rebecca, even different from Stephanie, who I used to get over her. She was the only one who made me okay with the idea of moving on from Shannon and Kelly.

Just the sight of her form in a body bag is enough to bring back dozens of memories from our partnership. Marsailles. London. Italy. Paris. So many more from Europe. Her "chartering" the boat. Window-shopping in Paris. Me Buying her that coat. The Airport. Me going back for her coat. The array of images is dizzying. She tore up my heart in Paris, but it wasn't just her fault. It was mine, for not sharing about Shannon and Kelly, my ghosts. Well, Jenny just joined the ranks of them. She's a ghost for me now, too.

I break into tears, very unlike the Marine I am. "I'm so sorry, Jen. I should have been there. I should've had your back. I should've told you. I'm so sorry. I know, the boss apologizing? But you deserve it. I screwed up a lot, and it ended up costing you your life. Why'd you die for me?" I begin to get angry. "Dammit, Jen. I barely survived the first time; how can I make it this time, knowing I could've saved you? Knowing I should've saved you?"

In my head, I can see the eye roll she'd give me right now. She'd probably say something along the lines of, "Snap out of it, Jethro. You're a Marine, you'll survive."

I look at her again, tears streaming down my face. "Earlier, when Abby broke down, she said if she could tell you anything, she'd tell you how snappy of a dresser you were. I've been thinking, I do that sometimes, and if I could tell you anything, I'd tell you what I couldn't when we were partners: I love you, Jenny Shepard. I have for the last 9 or so years. I'm going to miss you like hell, and I don't know how I will get through it, but I know I will. I just can't imagine a life where Leon is standing up there leaning on the balcony instead of you. Why'd you stick me with him? Couldn't I have gone instead of you? Why didn't you call me, Jen? I'm your partner. I should have died next to you, not be the one who has to bury you."

With this, I see more images, but they are from the past three years. Her in my basement. Her mentioning the airplane, like it's some sort of secret code. Saving her when she was kidnapped. Eating take-out in her office. Her with Kid Carson. Her asking me to stay. Me refusing. I only refused since I saw Shannon and Kelly, not Jen and Carson. Me getting blown up. Losing my memory. Seeing her. Remembering Paris. Thinking she was an ex-wife. Her response: 'God, no.' Images after images, Scene after Scene. How am I supposed to get her out of my head? I couldn't when she was alive, and that was when she was with me. Now that I have lost her? The images will be on constant repeat, reminding me when I let slip away. This feels so much worse than Shannon and Kelly because it's fresh and because I could've saved Jen. If I wasn't so intent on finding out if she killed La Grenouille, I could've been there, stopped her. I don't know how, but I know dying is better than this feeling. My heart, which was newly replaced, has been torn out of my chest once again. This time it hurts more, because it carries the memories of the only two women I ever loved, and my darling, sweet little girl. This life has taken my loves away, and there's nothing I can do about it now. A long time ago, I heard Tony and Ziva discussing soul mates. I thought after Shannon, that I was done. She was my soulmate. I failed terribly with Diane, and again with Rebecca. But with you, it was different. You didn't believe my lies or half-truths. You didn't buy into my distractions. You were never like them. I screwed up with you, I really did."

I pause a moment, since the tears running down my face make it impossible to talk. Taking a deep breath, I start again, "I had another chance at love with you, and blew it. I realized that and married Stephanie to get over you. I don't know what I'll do now, but I'll survive."

Wiping my eyes, I take one last glance at the body bag. "Good-bye, I'll see you on the other side, little Catholic girl. I loved you."

With that, I regained my composure and went back upstairs. It never crossed my mind that Ducky had been hiding and had heard the entire thing.

 **A/n: What'd you think? You like the little twist at the end? Review, please. K**


End file.
